Parallel play but it's dancing in the club
Bundled tf up, but nowhere to sip hot cocoa
Some o' y'all don't cry during sex and it shows
100% of scientists wish they were magicians
Oh you know ball?
Name every sack
Quality insult: you must really love the sound of your own voice
Puttin hot sauce on my ear buds so the music come out wit a bit'o'heat
Is it called rip city cause it's ass?
If you can't handle the sauce, don't be a noodle
Chud my life into pieces
(Suffocation, no breeding)
If the world is round, why everybody actin like a square? check mate athiests
Ur mom and I walked into a bar and I'd like to say that's how the joke ended
Walking up to a crime scene eating an unpeeled banana: What's the scoop?
The detective who retires in 6 weeks: I don't like this guy but something tells me he's gonna crack the case.
Note to self: Create a device that constantly makes toast
One day I wish to see a spoof that has every original actor
Remember when everybody went around saying get schwifty. That's probably the lowest humanity has come
When I accidentally end up in a three way: 6:O9
Ohhhh I think I figured it out.
It's called ratatoullie cause there's a rat in it
Who would win:
200 proof grain alcohol
vs.
MacDonalds Sprite
I reach my hand into my bag looking for a charger. I scramble around the assortment of pens and books. My hand scrapes across a familiar screen. 'A ds?' I think. I withdraw the device. It's a gd calculator. Fuck that what kind of tease is that I swear to god just end it. End it all
lowkirkenuinelyflickergoonmaxxingmoshpitstyle
The phrases "hiding in plain sight" & "out of sight out of mind" kind of imply humans are just bad at keeping track of things
What if there was no traffic and you were just schizo
Make an idle game where you get points for smashing your head into a brick wall
I'm surprised we evolved to have a gag reflex. That means enough people shoved something in their mouth, then choked to death. That the people who had a gene to spit it out prevailed
Deep fried micro organisms
That guy gave big turning left vibes
Crazy how everybody that was an edgelord in highschool, grew up and turned into an edge lord
On the first trip to the moon, humans brought a rock and a feather to double check gravity
Ursa majors be like: Fuck I got a bear due tomorrow
Karaoke musta gone crazy back in the day cause even I know the words to Beethoven's Fifth
Movie series are literally some guy going, "Oh, How to Train Your Dragon is so great? Where's How to Train Your Dragon 2?"
*Desperate for piss voice*: Bro you gotta help me with this jellyfish sting
Belatruce on my goose
If a writer quit after a paper cut you'd laugh. BUT I GET ALCOHOL POISONING ONE TIME!
Oofta gangnam style
BACK IN MY DAY CATS WERE GIRLS AND DOGS WERE BOYS.
people who got their art put up on the fridge have a praise kink now
Are you mormon cause I'm soaking
I shit my shot
I take a sip from my flask as a partygoer walks up, young, free, unburdened. "Yo can I get a swig?" I offer it to him. He takes it as I stare into the abyss. "Ayo wtf, is this ravioli? Wtf is wrong with you?" I take the flask before he storms off. Leaving me to my thoughts once again. I take another sip. Fending off the darkness a little longer. He'll be back. They always come back.
Software Dev: I cracked the code
Buddy: Oh you found the bug?
Dev: 😟
You found the bug brad?
Call me suey the way I'm chopped
My pronouns aren't he/him they're He/Him
(I have a god complex)
Kinda wild Friday the Thirteenth fell on a Thursday this year
Phrase amongst roosters: gotta crack a few chickens to make an egg
Phrase amongst hens: what that cock a doodle doo -b
The only difference between me and a hamster in a cage is I have to pick up my water bottle
No jaloppy, just the sloppy
This mf really just used fortnite in a sentence
Biggest pet peeve:
People who say they "love adventure", but whenever I ask them if they want to search for the fountain of youth they say wtf no that would disrupt the natural order of the universe you heathen
I have gone non verbal
Somebody jumps out with a knife:
UwU pwease don't wob me *gets shot*
Show some dudes a train going by and
tell me men don't have a one track mind
Wait its all walmart parking lot?
Always has been
>be me
>competetive autist
Hey Guys! Its ya boy, Sisyphus, back at it again-
The demons in my closet are scared of me
(jk we bros now) *rawr* XD
Why can't wizards agree on a fucking font
You've social media'd the fuck out of ur life
Movie about bugs but halfway through the plot a dog just comes by and licks up half the cast
binger/bongwriter
Etymology of bact-eria. Bact as in bact the fuck up eria
Philosophers are just lawyers who did drugs
Y'all think I'm raw dogging life but
secretly I'm addicted to standing up too fast
drug bust? Uh yeah ig you could call it that -b
What's on the skadooshiary
What if plants are just silently itchy all the time
Call 'er Bart the way she turns simps on
places to see, things to be, people to do
kickin my feet up on my bed, rubbin my feet together like a fly
It's crazy cause with dyslexia dog is always up
you just know life's screwin other people
my argument transcends your facts
Thei're Thie're
Yell "Oh Yeeahh!" like Vector right when you finish
only scary part bout the future is it becomes the past g
Knob on my slob
Modern sales people don't have the balls to walk in, destroy your house, then proceed to clean it up. Where's the passion?
I cast shitteth happeneth
I know it's engagement farming cause I'm ready to propose
It's crazy people say to be careful about what they put on the internet. Like do you know how many "fertility ritual artifacts" we've dug up?
Must be poly the way I wanna crack 'er
Stay folded fent boy