Parallel play but it's dancing in the club
Bundled tf up, but nowhere to get cozy and sip a hot cocoa
Some o' y'all don't cry during sex and it shows
100% of scientists wish they were magicians
Oh you know ball? name ever sack
Quality insult: you must really love the sound of your own voice
been bitin my tongue a lot lately
Puttin hot sauce on my ear buds so the music come out wit a bit o heat
I don't see the future I write it
Is it called rip city cause it's ass?
If you can't handle the sauce, don't be a noodle
Chud my life into pieces
If the world is round, why everybody actin like a square?
Ur mom and I walked into a bar and I'd like to say that's how the joke ended
Me walking up to a crime scene eating an unpeeled banana: What's the scoop?
The detective who retires in 6 weeks: I don't like this guy but something tells me he's gonna crack the case.
When it do like it how but it ain't
Note to self: Create a device that constantly makes toast
One day I wish to see a spoof that has every original actor
Remember when everybody went around saying get schwifty. That's probably the lowest humanity has come
When I accidentally end up in a three way: 6:O9
Ohhhh I think I figured it out. It's called ratatoullie cause there's a rat in it
Who would win: 200 proof grain alcohol vs. MacDonalds Sprite
Photosynthesize my eyes with your lovely disguise
I reach my hand into my bag looking for a charger. I scramble around the assortment of pens and books. My hand scrapes across a familiar screen. 'A ds?' I think. I withdraw the device. It's a gd calculator. Fuck that what kind of tease is that I swear to god just end it. End it all
Life is like a car commercial, all the cars are shit and nobody bothered to pay the actors
The phrases "hiding in plain sight" & "out of sight out of mind" kind of imply humans are bad at keeping track of things
What if there was no traffic and you were just schizo
Make an idle game where you get points for smashing your head into a brick wall
I'm surprised we evolved to have a gag reflex. That means enough people shoved somehting in their mouth and choked to death. That the people who had a gene to spit it out prevailed
Deep fried micro organisms
That guy gave big turning left vibes
Crazy how everybody that was an edgelord in highschool, grew up and turned into an edge lord
On the first trip to the moon, humans brought a rock and a feather to double check gravity
Ursa majors be like: Fuck I got a bear due tomorrow
Karaoke musta gone crazy back in the day cause even I know the words to Beethoven's Fifth
Movie series are literally some guy going, "Oh, How to Train Your Dragon is so great? Where's How to Train Your Dragon 2?"
*Desperate for piss voice*: Bro you gotta help me with this jellyfish sting
Belatruce on my goose
If a writer quit after a paper cut you'd laugh. BUT I GET ALCOHOL POISONING ONE TIME!
Oofta gangnam style
BACK IN MY DAY CATS WERE GIRLS AND DOGS WERE BOYS.
people who got their art put up on the fridge have a praise kink now
Are you mormon cause I'm soaking
I shit my shot
Software Dev: I cracked the code
Buddy: Oh you found the bug?
Dev: 😟
You found the bug brad?
Call me suey the way I'm chopped
My pronouns aren't he/him they're He/Him (I have a god complex)
Kinda wild Friday the Thirteenth fell on a Thursday this year
The only difference between me and a hamster in a cage is I have to pick up my water bottle
No jaloppy, just the sloppy
This mf really just used fortnite in a sentence
Biggest pet peeve:
People who say they "love adventure", but whenever I ask them if they want to search for the fountain of youth they say wtf no that would disrupt the natural order of the universe you heathen
Show some dudes a train going by and tell me men don't have a one track mind
Wait its all walmart parking lot? Always has been
Why can't wizards agree on a fucking font
The demons in my closet are scared of me *rawr* XD
Philosophers are just lawyers who did drugs
Y'all think I'm raw dogging life but secretly I'm addicted to standing up too fast
What's on the skadooshiary
I know it's engagement farming cause I'm ready to propose
Must be poly the way I wanna crack 'er